The Miffed Macaw
by L.Q. Brooks
Summary: This story contains such unpleasantries as a long letter, tap-dancing, a thief, cinnamon oatmeal, a broken staircase, a noisy bird, and STAR WARS.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

So, you're back.

Honestly, I wouldn't have the stomach to read this story. Obviously, throughout all of the terrible things that have happened to the Baudelaire orphans and the Quagmire orphans, I wouldn't read this story. Wouldn't you rather be playing in a tornado while frolicking on a pony? That seems like a much better choice. If you have already read "The Disastrous Diary", then you would know how awful these stories are, and you know exactly why I wouldn't want you to read them. And you certainly know why you should be playing on a pony and frolicking in a tornado right now, instead if staring at your computer screen, wondering if your enemies were right after all.

The Baudelaires had many enemies, far too many to count. There was Olaf, of course, the hook-handed man, the two white-faced women, Larry Herman, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Violet gazed far off into the city, and finally said, "The ruins of our home is close by, you know." Klaus nodded and looked at where Izzy and Larry Herman once stood, locked in the freezer, while the children were able to roughly escape. "You don't suppose we could go back?" Klaus asked the five other orphans, and they all thought for a moment. "Donoghue!" Sunny shrieked, which was her way of speaking. This time she probably meant, "All the homes we've been to, are not real homes. I miss ours."

Isadora shrugged. She was just learning Sunny's strange way of speaking, so she knew a few words. "That's true, Sunny. Prufrock Academy was a perfect example, along with the Village of Foul Devotees, and the Squalor home." Violet nodded, and said, "Let's go back. I want to see what it looks like now. Or at least get a far enough away look at it, if possible." Duncan spoke up, "We could even make a shelter there, if we wanted to. We could have a real home, just the six of us." Quigley, who was still partly coughing, (which, by the way, is substituted by *) tried to speak. "Let's say we ** do go to your * home. ****** What about foo***d? Wa-hater?" which was a simply awful way of talking.

"That's probably true," Violet sighed. "But if we don't go, what do we know about our parents, really?" Sunny looked around and nodded at Klaus. The middle Baudelaire cleared his throat and said, "So oft in theologic wars, The disputants, I ween, Rail on in utter ignorance Of what each other mean, _And prate about an Elephant_ _Not one of them has seen!_" Duncan smiled and said, "John Godfrey Saxe. That's a wonderful poem." And the three Baudelaires thought about their father, who first told them the story. And so it was decided. They would go back to the Baudelaire mansion, where all their troubles began.

The children began to walk away from Cafe Salmonella, leaving their old stories behind, and hoping to begin happy, joyful ones, if that was even possible anymore. Fourteen entire volumes have been written about their troubles, and I'm not so sure, even myself, if this new, fifteenth volume, will have a happy ending now. Who knows? Perhaps a traveling man will find them and take them to his cabin that contains the wonderful and delightful smell of pine. I really love that. It didn't take long for the children to find the beginning of their stories. The children looked up at the ruins of their mansion, where almost nothing stood up but a door.

And a paper was taped to the broken window.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Dear Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire."

The paper on the door was more than just a phony paper, it was a message, obviously, but it would take a little bit to find out exactly who wrote it. Violet began to read first. "Since we have been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, where you're older, you will learn all about the people we've befriended and the dangers we have faced. At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey.

"We hope to have you back in our arms soon, darlings; but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that, no matter what happens in this life, you three will take care of each other with kindness, and bravery and selflessness as you always have. And remember one thing my darlings and never forget it: that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family and you are home." She felt a tear in her eye, as if she already knew who wrote it. Of course, she didn't, but it was so touching that that didn't really matter. Klaus continued reading the letter for his sister.

"I realize that what may have happened to you could be terrible and drastic. If we are to die, we leave you in the care of our closest relative, whatever that shall mean in any circumstance. I've learned that Tony "Mommy" Eggmonteror would be happy to have you in his care. If he is not alive to tell you this himself, he is a herpetologist, the study of snakes. Using the V.F.D. code, I cannot use his real name. It is an anagram, darling, and I hope you can figure it out. Now we can get to a point." Sunny noticed that Klaus stopped reading, so she said, "Montgomery," which probably meant, "Montgomery Montgomery," their uncle. Sunny then began reading.

"Book," she said, which probably meant, "I hope you find Tony is a great man, and that Al Funcoot is dreadfully wicked. But now, I have created a will early in my life, that I wish Denver would tape on our door, hoping you would find it and read it. All the gifts are inside, in a small basket. For Violet, I leave a spyglass; hoping that you will know how and when to use it to keep you from harm. For Klaus, I leave a box of your favorite cinnamon oatmeal, Cinna-Mon! I know Violet and Sunny dislike it, but I know you enjoy it. Lastly, for Sunny, I give a flashlight; I know you may not understand your gifts now, but it will make sense." Klaus shook his head, meaning to say he disliked Cinna-Mon! as well.

They all read and talked in unison for the final part. "But, my darlings, I believe you would enjoy it if you had your very own gift to share, so I am prepared to do as so. I leave you Shenda, my father's macaw that he gave to me. Believe me, Shenda is alive and well, as she is nearly immortal. So all of your gifts are safely placed inside the house, in a spot that no fire or flash-flood could get to. I hope you enjoy your presents that I left to you in our will. Maybe, just maybe, you'll find good use of them. If you trust me, you will use your gifts for good, not for evil. Bertrand and I are very proud of you three. You, like I said before, are each other's homes.

"Regards, Beatrice Baudelaire."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Beatrice Baudelaire?"

All six of the orphans were starstruck. How could that be? And she said Bertrand...it was a will written by the Baudelaire parents themselves! It must have been sometime before they died, because there was no way they could write a will after they had died. Slowly, Quigley tried the door, and it opened with ease, much to the orphans' appeal. Klaus, Violet, Isadora, Quigley, Sunny, and Duncan walked into what used to be the Baudelaire mansion, and it was still as beautiful as ever. It figured that the mansion was unlocked, because anyone who could have read the will could have stolen the items for themselves and hide the evidence. It's just what a criminal would do.

Sadly, they couldn't find the basket anywhere. But then they looked up. A staircase stood in front of them. It looked rigid, but sturdy at the same time. Violet sighed and started to put her right foot on the first step, and it creaked ever so slightly. Suddenly there was a shriek from upstairs. A sharp, "_Caw, caw! Caw, caw! Caw, caw!" _Klaus listened very closely. "That's definitely the sound of a Macaw. You know, I thought Macaws were extinct." Isadora smiled. "Your mother did say they had Shenda has lived for three generations. They probably are extinct. Violet was on the fifth step by now, and the creaks were getting louder AND **LOUDER**...

She made it to the eleventh and final step, screaming the last seven steps. She looked around and the caws started getting even louder as well, but she finally found the bird. It was sitting in a basket along with a spyglass, a cardboard box, and a motion-powered flashlight. Calmly, the eldest Baudelaire picked up the basket and brought it over to the stairway. She took one small step...and all of the stairs thudded to the floor in a large CRASH! The water cycle consists of three phenomena - evaporation, precipitation, and collection. And collection, the third of these phenomena, is the third of the phenomena that make up what is generally known as "the water cycle."

This phenomenon, known as "collection," is the process of the gathering of water in the oceans, lakes, rivers, ponds, reservoirs and puddles of the world, so that it will eventually go through the phenomena of evaporation and precipitation, thus beginning the water cycle all over again. There. Hopefully I have made you fall asleep and you will not be able to read the dreadful story any longer. I, myself, am about to fall asleep, as I cannot stand to write this story ronpfweronifrwjgnfr eiojndf3rifbrwiugntrgnnifwrt g92-590fr4pgimforgierjntigwneige rnfioewnroifwneroignweroifnw eriofnerwoi rfrwfrwtgwtrwegtrtr.

What, you're still here? Oh, well then. Violet groaned and tried to get up, but only toppled backwards again. The macaw flew over to Quigley and landed on his shoulder. "Ouch! Ouch, ouch, ooh, ouch! I think my leg is broken!" Violet whined, only to say that she was being as truthful as anyone could. Duncan went and helped her up. "Are you okay? Well, we should at least make a shelter and beg for spare change for a cast or even a home, if you will. You remember A Christmas Carol? Well, come on, Tiny Tim. We shall go outside." Duncan smiled a soft smile, and Violet grinned back and held back a tear. So it was decided again.

They would beg as poor people.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"A penny for the poor?"

As people walked by, Duncan, Violet, Isadora, and Quigley tried to get spare change while Klaus and Sunny studied the Cinna-Mon! package carefully. This is what it said: "Wow! From the makers of Chuck 'n' Charlie's Hot Chocolate Mix, comes this new delectable oatmeal that all kids will enjoy! Kids, if you are reading this package, please stop now! This is only for adults! There is some very bad stuff in here, including High Fructose Corn Syrup, A Pound Of Sugar, And Test Potion #93-4989041B. Remember, Chuck 'n' Charlie's Cinna-Mon! is not very good for you!" And on the bottom there was a picture of a giant dog and mouse, hugging each other.

Klaus shook his head and said, "If mom and dad read this description, which they had to have done once, they would know that this is poisonous and you shouldn't eat it." Sunny pointed at a fine print at the bottom. "NOT FOR USE OF PEOPLE 7+". Klaus nodded. "That's makes sense. We all had to stop eating it when we were seven. And we all did." They looked over at the four that were trying to make money. "How much money do you have now?" Klaus wondered. Quigley sighed. "Not too much. We've only got...er...$0.67. Not enough to get a small home, let alone a cast or crutches." Violet, though, shook her head. "Mom did say 'as long as you have each other, you have your family and you are home.'

Quigley smiled and said, "Of course." Then Violet planted a small kiss on his cheek. Isadora and Klaus. Quigley and Violet. Duncan...forever alone. Suddenly a man in a brown leather coat and carrying a briefcase walked up to the orphans. "Hey, brats. I have a proposition for you. If all six of you tap-dance for me, I'll give you a twenty dollar bill _and _I'll take you to my home. Free of charge." Violet looked around at her friends and her siblings. Duncan shook his head. "No, you shouldn't tap-dance, Violet. Not in your condition." The man stiffened up. "Fine. If you want to stay orphans and live on the street, that's fine by me." Violet sighed and tried to get up.

"We'll tap-dance for you, if you'll do all those nice things to us like you promised. Come on guys," she beckoned to the rest, and they all got up. Not knowing what they were doing, they all started moving around with their feet, but pretty soon Violet started stumbling. "Elbrus?" Sunny asked. Violet smiled. "No, I'm OK." She tried to stay up, one of her legs thudding to the floor with every step. They had tap-danced for about five minutes straight until the man started screaming again. "Alright, alright! Don't turn into jello! Come into my car, I'll take you home!" He didn't seem very kind, but it seemed the orphans' only choice.

As you probably know, it is never okay to go into a car with a complete stranger, especially if that complete stranger has done nothing but yelling to you, and especially if that complete stranger is an adult. You should never go into a random man's car unless you have a good reason; never go in for Butterscotch candy, no Kit Kat, or anything of the sort. This man wasn't a man the orphans trusted, but it was all they had. "_Caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw, caw!"_ Shenda cawed. But the Baudelaires and Quagmires thought it would be nice to have a home, only if this man was nicer than Larry.

Which was unpredictable.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It wasn't a bad place.

The drapes were drawn, showing a beautiful art studio replacing a large living room, which had a two small couches and one larger one in front of a flat-screen TV over an automatic fireplace. Someone was sitting on the couch watching some Sci-Fi movie. Isadora looked up at her new guardian in wonder. "What should we call you, Sir?" The man only continued walking into the art studio until he finally spoke. "Roberto Brian Thomas Fletcher McPherson XXII! But you may call me Bob!" The orphans were blown away. Bob cleared his throat and called, "Lucille Potter Nicodemus Songster McPherson XIX, come and meet the new children! Oh, by the way, you may call her Lucy."

Lucille got up from the couch, paused the movie, and came over to the children. Violet introduced their names. "I'm Violet, this is my brother Klaus, my sister Sunny, there's Duncan, my boyfriend Quigley and Klaus' girlfriend, Isadora." Each orphan nodded as they heard his/her name. "Lucille McPherson, at your service," she said with a smile, showing all 32 of her perfect teeth. "Now, um, if you don't mind, Anakin Skywalker and Senator Padme are getting married." With that, she rushed back to her film. Bob frowned. "She always was a big STAR WARS fan, and she won't have too much time for you anyway! She's watching Attack of the Clones! BOORRRRING!"

The orphans weren't quite sure they liked their new guardians. Bob didn't seem to like them either, and Lucy seemed to only like STAR WARS. Lucille Potter Nicodemus Songster McPherson XIX seemed nice, they would just have to get her away from the STAR WARS saga for a little bit, just to get to know her. She looked about in her forties, and she looked nothing like Izzy Herman did. She had caramel brown eyes and caramel brown hair, streaming down to her neck, halfway in front, halfway in back. Bob was growing bald...he had to be in his fifties, though. That's all the children quite knew at that point. _"Caw, caw, caw, caw!"_ Shenda warned.

Shenda talked somewhat like Sunny does, in unintelligible caws. The orphans didn't have a clue what Shenda was saying, but what he meant to say was, "I don't trust this place. I wanna go somewhere else now!" Neither the Baudelaires or the Quagmires could help Shenda at all, because they didn't know what her wish was. So all they could do was imagine what she's trying to say. They thought she meant "I want to see more of the house." "I want to see more of the house," Quigley ordered kindly. Bob yelled, "OF COURSE! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?! OH, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING!" His breath smelled bad. He needed mouthwash, Violet thought.

"I'm going to start Revenge of the Sith, darling. See you soon!" Lucy called happily. Hopefully Lucy and Bob's story wouldn't end up like Larry and Izzy, because that would be very bad. All the children could do was hope. Each set of children got their own room. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny in one, Duncan, Isadora, and Quigley in the other. There was one bunk-bed and one regular bed in each room. Violet, Klaus, Isadora, and Quigley got the bunk-beds, while Duncan and Sunny slept on the smaller beds. Once Bob went to sleep, the only sound that could be heard were light-sabers clashing together, making a BRRRRRRING! sound. The children hadn't found a home. And Bob hadn't kept his promise.

Violet's leg still suffered.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"May the force be with you!"

The three Baudelaires jumped up and looked around the room. Klaus rubbed his eyes as he said, "What was that noise?" Violet, who could hardly breathe, thought, "Mom showed me STAR WARS Episode I: The Phantom Menace before. 'May the force be with you' is a phrase used in STAR WARS. But I can't tell where it's coming from. Can you, Sunny?" Her younger sister rubbed her eyes as well and yelled, "Quagmire!" which probably meant, "I think it's coming from the room next door." "Should we check it out?" Violet asked. "I suppose so. Just let me grab my glasses," Klaus replied, yawned, and reached for his glasses, which were sitting on a nightstand.

There was a random knock coming from the Quagmire's room. "Well, as long as they're up..." Klaus whispered. They walked over to the Quagmires' room, but Bob had beaten them to it. "GOOD MORNING BAUDELAIRES! RISE AND SHINE, SLEEPYHEADS! AHA!" he screamed. That jerked them awake quicker than they were expecting. Suddenly Quigley and Isadora popped out of the door and greeted the Baudelaires. "Good morning, Violet," Quigley good morning-ed. "Good morning, Klaus," Isadora said. "Good morning," the two replied. Duncan then popped out and said hello to the youngest Baudelaire. Violet was still clutching her spyglass, Klaus his oatmeal, and Sunny her flashlight.

"OH, LOOK-Y THERE! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT, KLAUS? BREAKFAST? GOOD! LUCY IS ALREADY AT THE TABLE!" Bob exclaimed, and took all six children down to the kitchen. When they were all seated, Lucille flashed another smile at them. But there was something odd about her smile this time. "How nice to see you all so happy today. How are you doing in our lovely household?" Violet smiled. "Lovely, Mrs. McPherson. Thank you, Bob, for letting us come here." The children thought Bob smiled. "WELCOME!" They couldn't tell if he was mocking them or if that was just the way he talked. "What are you making, dear?" Lucille asked. Mr. McPherson calmed his voice a little bit. "Cinna-MON!"

"That's very nice. I've heard that Cinna-Mon! is great for your body. I just can't wait to e-" Lucy was interrupted by two sounds. _"Caw, caw, caw, caw, caw!"_ which meant, "I really hope you don't eat the Cinna-Mon!" and _"Ding, dong!"_ "I wonder who that could be," Lucy wondered. She walked over to the giant door and opened it. "Oh, Mary-Ann! How delightful to see you! Bob, is that breakfast ready?" "YES, SWEETIE! JUST FINISHED!" Lucy smiled once again, but now it wasn't much of a smile. "Mary-Ann, I hope you find our Cinna-Mona! delectable!" Quigley tried to speak. "Uh, it's Cinna-Mon." Lucy now glared at him, for sure not a smile.

"Shut up! What do you know? You're just a little kid! A brat! A...a...CAKESNIFFER!" and they all gasped. They remembered Carmelita Spats and even Esme Squalor call them cakesniffers, and she didn't care at all that she had called them that. Mary-Ann gasped as well, and looked sadly at Lucille. "I can't believe you said that! I was coming over to bring you an early birthday present but now, I just don't think I will! You...you...CAKESNIFFER!" That was the first time she ever raised her voice. She didn't get mad very easily. "Oh, boo-hoo!" Lucy mocked Mary-Ann. She picked up a spoonful of Cinna-Mon! and stuffed it in her mouth. She fell stone cold to the floor immediately, dead. Then she picked up another spoonful.

And she put it towards the six children.


End file.
